3 Times May 4

May 5, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

May 4th is Star Wars Day–“May the fourth be with you.” And yesterday, I saw Darth Vaders, Jedi, Luke Skywalkers, and Chewbaccas walking the park in celebration of one of the highest-grossing media franchises of all time.

May 4th is also a day of remembrance for me–one of the worst days of my life. I was a senior at an Ohio college, less than an hour from the tragedy at Kent State University. Every time I hear Four Dead in Ohio, I flashback to one of the darkest memories of my personal experience.

Yesterday was also the 150th year of Run for the Roses, the Kentucky Derby. I’ve been to Churchill Downs to the races, but never to THE Derby, nor have I ever had a mint julep. But yesterday, I donned a party dress, high heels, and a fancy hat, and went to a Derby event at Turf Paradise in Phoenix. Believe me, the outfits on others out did any I’d seen on the Star Wars folk. One older guy looked exactly like Colonel Sanders. In fact, I wanted to ask him if he was disappointed there was no chicken on the buffet offerings. And while I thought my hat was appropriate, I was surprised by how elaborate some of the others were–feathers, flowers, and bows in striking colors to complement gorgeous dresses. For a moment, I thought I was amongst the Kentucky crowd.

Curiously, attending the Derby has been on my bucket list since I was a child, as my great uncle, Boog, used to leave his Tennessee tobacco farm every May and head to Louisville for the race. On several occasions, he delighted me with wonderful tales of his adventure including all the famous people he saw. In his memory, I ordered a set of drinking glasses that commemorate the 150th Kentucky Derby. When they arrive, maybe I’ll make myself a mint julep or just have a shot his favorite, Jack.

What Happened to Pork?

April 14, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Is it just me, or has pork lost its flavor? I’m not talking about bacon, ham, nor sausage; I’m talking about pork roasts, tenderloins, and chops. Regardless if I grill, bake, or slow cook, the meat has zero flavor. In fact, I often have to stare at my plate to figure out what I’m putting in my mouth. Even grocery store tomatoes have more taste than pork!

Once in a while, I’d be glad to pay big bucks for a delicious roast or a pack of pork chops, but in all of Phoenix I’ve tried the best, only to be disappointed once again. At first, I thought I was victimized by COVID destruction of my taste buds, not. Then I wondered if it was due to my family raising their own pigs to butcher, maybe. So, I decided to ask others and discovered those of us west of the Mississippi are clearly disillusioned by the flavorless “other white meat.”

Of course, most of us are further disillusioned by the “pork” in Congress. That sneaky little way of sliding a localized project primarily to a representative’s district. One of the most outrageous examples was Boston’s Big Dig, a 7.8 mile road relocated underground. Its estimated cost was $2.5 billion, but due to delays, we, Americans, paid $15 billion for the project. Parking decks in small towns were all a favorite of some congressmen, even though the entire town could have parked on the main level. Another favorite was a million-dollar grant to research the use of sheep grazing as a means of weed control. WTH?

I’m quite sure, though, the Warner Brothers cartoon character is delighted I’ve stopped buying his ribs–that’s all folks!

On Being a Bartender

April 7, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

My perception of bartenders primarily came from television, i.e. Miss Kitty in Gunsmoke and Sam from Cheers. While I had been known to spend sometime in bars when I was in college, those establishments changed bartenders routinely. It wasn’t until about nine years ago I wandered into a ‘hood bar, where I discovered a weekly trivia game, and became a regular customer. Because it’s a relatively small business by Phoenix standards, I eventually knew the owners and many of the employees.

When I conceived an idea for a new novel, I set it in a neighborhood bar, and then realized I knew nothing about its day-to-day operation. After receiving an invitation (or a dare) to be a “guest” bartender, I jumped at the chance. Not only would I learn something, it couldn’t be that hard, right?

I psyched myself up yesterday before I went to my three-hour shift. I would do anything they asked; no job was going to be beneath me. I would fully immerse myself in this opportunity, but I would NOT use the computer ordering system, nor handle any cash or credit cards. In turn, they had me sign a waiver of legalese, which was fine, except for the clause on acknowledging bartending involves inherent risks, such as…” and unruly and potentially violent customers.” Really? Doubtful at 1:00 in the afternoon. WTH, maybe that would be great novel material!

What did I learn? Probably too much to share in a blog, but ALL of the customers yesterday were spectacular, polite, and fun folk. Folding and rolling silverware is tedious, as is slicing far too many lemons. I’m too old to carry more than two drinks or two sandwich platters at a time. Playing with the drink dispenser hose is fun, as long as I’m wearing glasses. Without glasses I couldn’t tell if I was pressing the water or the soda button. Same was true with the beer tub. I served light Heineken’s, instead of hi-test. (My biggest faux pas.) We, Americans, throw away too much food. Cooks or quasi-chefs are temperamental divas and must be constantly praised and thanked. Bartending is not easy, especially when someone orders a White Russian!

Finally, I learned the old, bottled-blond mare ain’t what she used to be. Today, she’s exhausted.

I DARE You

March 24, 2024March 24, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Unfortunately, I’ve never been delivered from the temptation of a dare. And several weeks ago, I received two challenges. I’ve been working on a new book, which for the most part, is set in a neighborhood bar and grill. Since I’ve no experience in the food and drink industry, I’ve been interviewing owners of those establishments.

Word traveled fast, and one of my friends who owns a diner asked me to waitress for a day. She promised to shadow me, so I don’t scare off her customers. But she insisted it would enrich my understanding of her business. My performance there is still to be determined.

However, my first and foremost challenge is Saturday, April 6 from 1-4 PM at The Playa, where I’ll be serving food and drinks to its patrons, under the tutelage of the outstanding, young owners, Sandi and Lindsey. They are even providing me with a separate tip jar, and its proceeds will be donated to the Paradise Valley Food Bank.

While I’ve a fairly good imagination, it’s far easier for me to write about something I’ve experienced. In fact, according to Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

‘Nuff said. See you on April 6th!

The Throw Away Society

March 17, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Like some of us, I am a guilty participant. If something breaks, I throw it away. Because usually it’s less expensive to replace a Keurig than to try to fix it. However, this week instead of feeling guilty I raged! My anger was out of control for a couple of reasons.

First, I was angry at myself. As you know, I have dogs. Two, which are counter surfers, in search of any delectable they can knock on the floor for their feast. Thus my justification for placing a plastic container of fresh-baked cookies safely behind my oven door. However, the next evening I forgot the cookies were in the oven and turned the oven on to 350 degrees. Fifteen minutes later smoke wafted about the kitchen. I yanked the oven door open and saw an incredible mess of dripping, melted plastic. There was no way this old broad could deal with this “hot” mess. (Excuse the pun.) My oven rack was also totally gobbed up and beyond salvageable. My anger slowly dissipated. “Alexa, play Abba.” I danced around to Mamma Mia. Tomorrow I’ll get a replacement rack. No BIG deal.

Wrong. It took me several hours to dig through mounds of paper to find the Maytag oven manual. Aha! The model number! I spent several more hours searching the internet for the rack. Each site proved a dead end. I found an appliance parts store nearby and strode in the chaotic dump, replete with filthy, ancient carpet. “Excuse me, sir. I’m in need of an oven rack.”

“Model number?” He grumbled. I handed it to him and he scrolled through his laptop. “Nope. Discontinued.”

“Wait, don’t you have any other rack, which would fit?” He looked at me, as if I was a dumb blond. Blond, right? Dumb? Not so much. “There’s NO such thing as a universal oven rack. Say you have a 30 inch oven, the rack size differs from each manufacturer. GE, doesn’t fit Whirlpool. Get it.”

“Oh, so I’m SOL?”

“Yep.”

OMG. I’m not spending three thousand+ on a new oven–particularly when this one works fine. Ridiculous. I fumed. I revived my internet search and found an adjustable rack. Though, it lacked the depth by a few inches, I could make the length work. (After all, it was for the lower oven, which I rarely use.) Thankfully, the adjustable rack worked.

It seems to this old broad that innocuous parts like oven racks and charging cords should be standardized. But individual manufacturers would object. They want us to simply buy new and throw away the used. Obla de obla da! And their profits soar.

DIY Facial Resurfacing

March 10, 2024March 10, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Why? To get rid of fine wrinkles, age spots, uneven skin tone, sun-damaged skin, and mild to moderate acne scars. I never considered such a treatment after I saw my neighbor’s face when she did it. To me, she looked like she’d been napalmed!

However, this week I had a dinner party, and one of my guests suggested we sit on the patio. “Come on, Sue. We can light the fire pit, and you’ll be warm enough.” You’ve probably already guessed what happened next. As I lit the pit, the gas exploded, and I literally went up in smoke! My quasi-eldest daughter swatted the back of my hair, as I batted the singed bits from my black blazer. My eyebrows, and some of my hair that framed my face were mere ashes.

Curiously, I was not as shaken by the event as my guests were. To make them more at ease, I said in my best Southern accident, “Lord Jesus, it’s a fireyah.” They looked at me like I was insane! “Watch this YouTube video,” I commanded. (If you haven’t seen this viral, NBC affiliate KFOR-TV interview of Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins after escaping from an apartment complex fire in Oklahoma City, you must google Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.

Sweet Brown certainly vanquished my guests’ anxiety. And me? I have very soft face and a lot less hair. After all, ain’t nobody got time to pluck eyebrows anyway.

Tackling Child Locks

February 25, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Last weekend I was in North Carolina for my grandson’s first birthday, where I nearly froze when the temperature dropped to a nippy 26 degrees. The baseball-themed, party was great fun and my grandbaby, Mac, loved the balloons, streamers, and especially the tissue paper in his present bags. Even though his cake was sugar-free, he seemed delighted to stick a fistful in his mouth.

While all in all, it was a wonderful celebration and a memory I shall cherish forever, I was frustrated. Like most walking toddlers, Mac is fascinated with plantation shutters he can repeatedly open and close, but he’s most enamored by the cabinets in the kitchen island and those under the sink. Thus, his inquisitiveness prompted child locks. Now I don’t know who invented these contraptions, but this old grandma spent four days struggling to unlock them. Finally, when I figured out the one which held the garbage and recycling products, I left the damn lock unattached. I went about my self-appointed tasks of loading the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen, and throwing away the garbage. I was nearly done. I turned to throw my last wad of detritus in the garbage…unbeknownst to me, Mac, had toddled over and locked the door.

I wanted to vocalize a number of my favorite expletives. (Mac doesn’t need to know that Grandma has a potty mouth…yet.) I made several attempts trying to release the lock, which refused to budge. WTH? I was disgusted with my lack of manual dexterity and my endless lack of patience. In the pantry I found a sack full of used grocery bags and filled one with the remaining debris. I donned my winter jacket and took the garbage outside to the dumpster where the cold wind slapped some sense into me and reminded me…this too shall pass.

Happy First, Mac!

Measles?

February 12, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

I’m a septuagenarian, and I had it all. Chicken Pox, Mumps, and both strains of Measles. Thanks to a sugar cube I didn’t end up with polo. And while I managed to survive these childhood diseases, I’ve vivid recollection of being sequestered to my dark bedroom when I contracted the nine-day measles. The deadly one, which can also result in rheumatic fever and other serious complications, such as blindness. But thanks to modern medicine and a plethora of vaccines, these have all been eradicated until recently.

According to a recent CBS News report, at least 8,500 American schools have measles vaccination rates below the 95% threshold. The Center for Disease Control indicates that threshold is “crucial for protecting a community from measles.” Communities must have high vaccination rates to “maintain herd immunity and prevent outbreaks. Further, herd immunity protects those who can’t get vaccinated due to health issues like cancer.”

Among the reasons for the decline in vaccinations are: mistrust and misinformation via social media, political influences, and fear of vaccines. Further, some states allow exemptions for philosophical reasons! A fact I find absurd to put an entire kindergarten class at risk for a preventable, debilitating illness.

Several years ago, half of the schools in Maine were below the 95% immunity threshold from parents claiming religious exemptions. Thankfully, the churches joined a coalition of medical, pediatric, and teacher organizations to promote vaccinations. Rev. Jane Field, executive director of the Maine Council of Churches stated, “When it comes to public health, for us, it didn’t seem radical at all to say, in this instance, the way we love our neighbor is to get vaccinated, to protect the vulnerable, to protect the marginalized, the young, the very old, the sick.”

Perhaps, my pediatrician friend said it best. “Our practice does not treat unvaccinated, school-age children. We have neither the time, nor the patience to deal with ignorance.” In other words, Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That.

LA$ VEGA$

February 4, 2024 / skidaz / Leave a comment

I’ve just returned from a three-day stay in Las Vegas with much less cash than I had when I went. I couldn’t believe the change in prices since August. Believe me, the food and drink prices are absurd, not to mention the mediocre quality of the snacks and meals. For example, a 3-ounce bag of vacuum-packed popcorn is $9.99; a domestic beer is $13.00, a glass of house champagne is $50; and a slice of pepperoni pizza is $15.99. Now, if I had partaken of a meal at a restaurant which included the names of Ramsey or Flay, it would have been $150+!

Of course, these increases may be attributed to LVIII Super Bowl next week, where the average ticket price is $11,000 and suites are in excess of $1.3 million. Typically, the Super Bowl, with its glitzy entertainment, amusing ads, and four quarters of gladiators grunting and huffing as they get smashed to the turf, also revolves around over-priced merchandise, food, and drink. Lord knows, how much the food is going to cost inside Allegiant Stadium.

There’s been a lot of talk about rising prices and a lot of blame being passed around, but in reality it’s purely a result of CORPORATE GREED. In fact, taxpayers are held hostage by professional sports teams. “Build us a new stadium, or we’ll leave.” (If I want to have a retail store, I must rent space or build a building. I can’t get a state-of-the-art facility courtesy of taxpayers.) Further, Allegiant Stadium is the third smallest of the thirty NFL stadiums. It seats 65,000, which conveniently allows for less cheap seats and more luxury boxes and premium seats. Five out of 7 of those most recently-built stadiums seat less than 71,000 with higher ticket prices.

Thankfully, my brief trip to Las Vegas left me with no interest in next week’s uber-expensive extravaganza. I didn’t bet on LVIII. I like Arizona’s Purdy, but Mahomes is ok, too. And hopefully, Taylor will make it in time for the game to give the news commentators something else about which to talk.