The Kid House

A mother approached me the other day and asked, “What’s your best advice to parents?”

Wow? I wonder if she wants three hours of advice? Doubtful. “Hmm. That’s a most interesting question, and I have to think about it. When I have an answer, you’ll be the first to know.” For several days, I relived my memories of my daughters’ childhood. I was flooded with the highs, the middles, and the lows because certainly parenthood is fluid. Just when my former husband and I thought we had it figured out, an antic, an illness, or an action caused us to change direction. And if someone asked our children about our parenting, they’d probably have a variety of opinions.

However, I think the best thing we did as parents was to build a kid house–a house where kids were always welcomed…and supervised. Our daughters’ bedrooms were on the second floor; I referred to that arrangement as “out of sight, out of mind.” I didn’t care how messy their rooms and bathroom were. I didn’t fret about unmade beds, streaky mirrors, or dirty towels. Of course, I insisted they throw their dirty clothes downstairs to the laundry, and several times a week I’d go upstairs and tidy up the mess. I also made it clear that those rooms were not their sole property and therefore were subject to my scrutiny. Yes, on several occasions, I did find some questionable things, like a lighter, a pack of cigarettes, and an airplane-size bottle of vodka.

However, their bedrooms were off-limits to visitors of the opposite sex by the time they went to middle school. We enlarged a room off the family room/ kitchen replete with a TV, cd player, Nintendo, and lots of board games. Twenty years before it became a rage, we installed a pickleball court with a basketball hoop, and like almost every house in Phoenix, there was a swimming pool in our backyard. We built it, and they came! At least one night of most weekends. Given that we’d known most of their parents since they were in elementary school, our rules were clear: no smoking, no drinking, no making out, no being a jerk, or I’ll call you mom and have her come and get you.

Of course, I always made sure we had food and drinks on hand. But the kids were so comfortable here they didn’t hesitate to say, “Mama Skid, you’re almost out of fruit snacks.” Or, “Can you make two lasagnas next weekend? Joey ate a whole one tonight.”

When they all went off to college, they still congregated during the holidays at the kid house. But now, they’re all in their late thirties and early forties now, many of them are married, some of them have kids, and others have long since moved away. Yesterday, I went upstairs in search of something. I opened each bedroom door. Pristine. Beds tightly made. Everything order. I walked into the bathroom. Towels neatly displayed, clutterless counter top, sparkling clean mirror. Hmm. I closed the lid on the ivory toilet and sat. Then, a tear escaped. “Oh dear God, I miss the mess! I miss my kids! I miss a house full of their friends.”

So my best advice to you, my friend, is build a kid house. It doesn’t need a pool, nor a trampoline. It simply needs to be a place where kids can go, have fun, and feel safe. Where kids can express their opinions and are treated with respect. But–where kids have rules, expectations, and consequences for their behavior. Trust me, your kids and their friends will thank you for it.

The Twilight Zone of Censorship

Imagine if you will, an upscale, suburban school district embroiled in conflict over three books on a middle school suggested reading list. One: Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass, An American Slave by Fredrick Douglass. Two: A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry. Three: Summer of the Mariposas by Guadalupe G. McCall. Oh, and the fourth. A picture book: On the Top of the World–Climbing Mount Everest by not reading sections about harm or death on Mount Everest. According to some members of its school board, these aforementioned selections violate instructional protocols for the prohibition of DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.)

As a former high school and college English teacher, and as an adjunct professor in American Educational History, I am not a fan of banning books, unless they’re pornographic trash. Allow me to digress and make an analogy. I grew up in an ethnically-diverse city in a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) family, and by virtue of birth, qualified for membership in the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution.) I was a monolingual, minority in a vast melting pot of Italians, Greeks, Czechoslovakians, Hungarians, and Irish, who could all converse with their grandparents in another language. Of course, there were Blacks and Hispanics too.

Our elementary school had no cafeteria; it was just a lunch room where everyone brought a lunch box and a thermos. And it was there that my eyes and my taste buds were forever changed! I tasted pizza, Mexican wedding cookies, strudel, kolachi, cabbage rolls, and wiener schnitzel. I ate baklava, pierogi, tacos, and chow mein. Foods that my mother certainly couldn’t cook; foods that my grandmothers found objectionable. As a college student, I worked at a resident Camp Fire Girls camp, where the Black cook taught me to barbeque chicken and ribs on a wood fire. I became such an expert my grandmother insisted I take over the Sunday menu when it called for barbeque. Indeed, I would have grown up with a limited, insular palate had it not been for my experience.

For politicians to force the removal of books and other educational materials from schools based on DEI is not only irresponsible, but ludicrous. In this high-tech age of information, do they not realize students can explore the world from their cell phone or laptop? Are they so naive to think they can rewrite history by just removing Douglass’ autobiography or mention of the Navajo Code Talkers from the history books? Since the current leadership is anti-science, do they think they can ignore and simply erase the harsh realities of scaling Mount Everest?

Your attempts to suppress history and ban Mark Twain, Harper Lee, J.D. Salinger, and Dr. Seuss are unconscionable and ignorant. Now, while you may deny and/or justify your motives as “protecting children,” that’s absurd. You know, without a doubt, who openly mocked a disabled American, who makes disparaging remarks to women news reporters, who has turned the White House into a gilded slum, and who’s in the Epstein Files. And it’s not Edmund Hillary. It’s The Twilight Zone!

MIA

Unlike Mitch was for 50 days, I have not been missing in action and have a full cadre of witnesses to attest I’m ambulatory and cognizant. Admittedly, I am missing a few parts, like a foot of intestine, an inch of my height, and the true color of my hair. But earlier this week, I found out I was missing something else: collagen!

Duh. I need only to look in the mirror at my wrinkles and wonder who that old gal is staring back. In this case, though, it had a new twist, when I went for my appointment–at the tattoo parlor. “You must be Sue; you have an appointment at noon. Did you bring a picture of what you want done?”

I handed him a copy. “I want it done here,” I said, as I pointed to my upper arm.

He took my arm and gently rubbed it. “Hmm. You know at your age you lack collagen, so the tattoo ink might seep. You see how your other tattoo is blurry? That’s because the dermis becomes thin and loses its structure. The ink particles tend to move around or migrate.”

WTH? Migrating ink in my dermis?

“So I want you to understand your tattoo may not be as vivid and vibrant because of your age.”

Oh, ye gods, a twenty+ year-old, heavily-inked dude with a pierced nose is talking to me like he is a physician and like I am a child. “I understand; let’s do it.”

Thirty minutes later, I walked out of the parlor, sporting my 8th tat. Quite frankly, I don’t care if my new addition blurs or goes south for the winter with the Monarch butterflies. I had to get this done and am very glad I opted out of my 60th-year high school reunion yesterday. I would have been embarrassed for my classmates to see that I’d lost my collagen!

OUR Kids

Last week, I turned two years short of eighty, which surprised me and a number of my friends! But a long time ago, I realized what’s important–and it’s not me. It’s not my children or your children; it’s OUR children. They are OUR future.

Contrary to the opinions of notable, public figures, I don’t care about whether children are black, brown, red, white, or blue. What I do care about is that they each get an equal shot at success. Thus, every July, my back-to-school supply drive for Title I public schools.

Unfortunately, our country’s leadership seems less interested in insuring our future and more interested in gilded statues of horses and their own personal bank accounts. Cases in point: funding private education at the expense of public education; reducing medical science to ridiculous, unproven nonsense that has led to an unprecedented outbreak of measles; eliminating the Drug, Part D plan which not only assists the elderly, but also the poor; and frivolous spending on never-ending, pissing contests which result in devastating budget cuts to domestic programs, not only in education, but also in research, land management, forestry, and environmental issues.

In the 1950’s, my family and I stood in line to suck a polio-vaccine-laden sugar cube in our mouths. Curiously, no one suggested that the government was inserting some voodoo device into our systems; we just knew we didn’t want to end up in an iron lung! (Even MIA Mitch wasn’t spared a debilitating after effect of the disease.) Thus, the week I was enraged by the ludicrous, six-year’s later investigation of Dr. Fauci and COVID protocols. In 2020, I was a school board member in a large, suburban district of over 30,000 students. Our entire board did not question social distancing, mask policies, or vaccinations; we acted in the best interest of children, of scientific recommendations. Yes, we did save lives of some of our fragile students. And please don’t forget that 45 spent a few days in Walter Reed Hospital taking experimental drugs to cure his COVID.

We can NO longer minimize nor disregard the importance of our most precious resource. If we lose sight of our children, if we fail to feed, educate, and protect them, who will take care of us, of our country, of our planet? Do WE care?

Looking for You

“Sue, I’m frustrated. I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life.”

“Janey, I’m soon to be 78 years old and don’t want to know what I want to be when I grow up.”

“You? You’ve already self-actualized. You’ve done this, and this, and that. Me? What have I done? What can I do to leave my legacy?”

“What is it that you want to do?” I asked.

Jane sighed, “I don’t know. I need you to help me. I did the Mom duty, and I did the executive assistant job in my husband’s office, but things are different now. Our kids are grown, my husband is winding down his business, and all I do is read and waste my time.”

I smiled. I, too, had experienced this sense of uselessness, like I was stealing food and water from folks in need. “First, this English teacher has never considered reading as a waste of time. Now with that said, there is a vast number of organizations who need you. You just have to decide what you want to do.”

“I’m 65! What do I have to offer?”

I stifled my laugh, “Your gift of time, Janey. What you don’t realize is this world is not the world in which we grew up with the stay-at-home-parent who was the homeroom mother, the Girl Scout leader, the softball coach, the field trip chaperone. The public schools don’t have the financial resources to pay for one-on-one tutors and youth organizations are dying for lack of leaders.”

“I hate to sign up for something and then find I don’t like it. I’d be letting people down.”

“By your own admission, you want to do something. There are a myriad of opportunities for volnteers.

The only thing missing is: U.”

A Woowoo Experience

I’m not a believer in Karma, Tarot cards, fortune telling, or Ouija Boards, but I had very weird things happen over the last few months. It began with a phone call from my sister who lives in Texas.

“Sue, Cal is going to visit Mount Vermillion next weekend.”

Cal? Her eldest grandson who was born and raised in Houston suburbia was visiting a very small Ohio university in the winter?

“Why?”

“He’s being recruited to play football, and he knows one of the coaches there.”

Granted Mount Vermillion does have an exceptional Division I team, but a big city guy, who’s never lived in winter in a small town, may find the Midwest weather and its culture challenging.

Several months later, Cal phoned. “Aunt Sue, I’ve committed to Mount Vermillion.”

Woowoo! Fifty-six years ago, I graduated from there. Both my brother and my ex-husband went there. “Congratulations, big guy! Perhaps, I’ll come and visit you.”

This week I was dealt the ultimate woowoo. My sister texted: Cal got his room assignment. He’s going to live in Colter Hall.

WTH? Colter Hall? Where I lived as a freshman sixty years ago? Where I watched my brother jumped off the roof a couple years later after a panty raid? Ye, Gods! I texted my college roommate, who resides in Mount Vermillion’s town: Cal is going to live in Colter Hall!

Her response: On our floor?

I responded: No. He’s on the first floor. Do hope the U has remodeled those rooms in 60 years.

The next morning, she called. “Don’t worry, Sue. Our names, cigarette burns, and etchings on the restroom stalls were vanquished years ago.”

“But what about the washer that Hansen threw up in when she couldn’t find the bathroom?”

“Damn it, Sue! Stop with the memories! Have you ever heard of a 60-year-old washing machine? Are you losing it?”

No. Woowoo.

Buc-ee’s?

The first Buc-ee’s Truck Stop is scheduled to open in Arizona this week, and I’m struggling to understand the feverish excitement. Since I’m old, I’ve been to my fair share of truck stops on turnpikes and interstates across the United States. Yes, I’ve been through Texas, too, but never stopped at Buc-ee’s. On June 22, Buc-ees will open its first west of Texas, 74,000 square foot, 120 fuel pump, restaurant, and convenience store in Goodyear. All of the surrounding hotels have been booked, and traffic patterns have been rerouted to facilitate the expected crowds. According to its news release, fans can line up at 6:00 AM, with the grand opening scheduled for 8:00 AM. With temperatures predicted to be in excess of 100 degrees, patrons are advised to bring water bottles and chairs for the anticipated long lines.

Personally, I am mystified by all this hoopla. Granted I got up at 4:00 AM on Black Friday in search of a Furby. Years later, I stood in a short line with my youngest to buy the newly-released Beanie Baby. But this septuagenarian has NO interest in renting a hotel room and the next morning standing in line at a truck stop to buy a beaver tee shirt or a bbq sandwich. And given the debacle in the Middle East, they’re certainly not giving away gas! Why bother?

Kudos and congratulations to Buc-ee’s for employing two hundred Arizonans. Kudos and congratulations to your marketing department for creating such a outstanding success. And perhaps, someday when I road trip to San Diego, I’ll make a pit stop at your establishment.

Sunday School and Easter: Who Brings the Eggs?

A friend and I co-taught Sunday School to first and second graders for twelve years; our biggest challenge came from Easter week. Unlike the magical time of Christmas, our kids had great difficulty understanding and even believing in the crucifixion and the resurrection. One doubting Thomas announced to his classmates, “That’s not true. My goldfish, Nemo, died and didn’t come back to life.”

Another quipped, “My Mimi died, but she was real old. Too old to come back.”

One very precocious little girl announced, “Jesus is alive. He brings the eggs!” And with that comment, chaos erupted.

“He does NOT! The Easter Bunny brings the eggs!”

“Miss Sue, does the Easter Bunny hatch his own eggs or does Jesus?”

“No, Mandy, neither the Easter Bunny, nor Jesus hatch eggs. People and rabbits don’t lay eggs. Let’s think of some animals that lay eggs.” The discussion continued for a few more minutes about chickens, birds, and ducks, and then it was snack time. Thank goodness because my patience was ready to bolt from the room.

Curiously, though, years later I read that approximately 25% of Americans conduct an internet search this time of year to find out if rabbits are hatched from eggs. Hopefully, none of the inquiries came from my former kiddos.


My Visitor Redux

In August I shared the story of the night I returned home and found my dogs lunging around the television. I described my apprehension, as to what captivated their attention–a snake, a bat, a rat, or some other creature. It was a squirrel! A squirrel, who then escaped to an upstairs bedroom and eventually vacated my casa through the balcony door.

Two weeks ago, I saw Mr. Squirrel again. By now, a chubby, full-grown squirrel romping across the front yard. I was glad he survived the nightmare of inhabiting my house for a week and delighted I chose not to pay $2,800 for critter removal! Until….

Until, I had to prepare for out-of-town, house guests last week: my niece and her husband and their two kids. After tidying the first two bedrooms, I wandered into the third–the one Mr. Squirrel had vacationed in. I pulled the hide-a-bed sofa apart. WTH? Underneath the sofa was a mass of shredded wood! WTH? Was he feasting on my sofa innards? No wonder he’s fat. I examined the shards of wood. Hmm.

To my horror, I looked up. Mr. Squirrel had chomped off the tops of several slats of the pricey, plantation shutters! I was livid. As I cleaned up his mess, I cursed his soul. But my anger subsided when I learned that squirrels are known to plant thousands of trees across the earth–an interesting fact. And who knows, maybe one of his reforestation projects will replace my ragged shutters?

If You Feed Them, They Will Come

(I’m not talking about teenage boys; everyone knows they consume volumes of food and drinks. When my brother was that age, he’d take a half gallon of milk and shred a bag of candy bars into it and drink the whole jug after school. My youngest used to have parties at our home after Friday night games, and I’d have to replenish the pantry and the freezer on Monday mornings.)

What I am talking about, though, is the new rage for birdwatchers: The Bird Buddy. Since my three-year-old grandson, Blake, is enamored with birds, I was gifted this high-tech, AI, contraption for Christmas, so I could share pictures with him of Arizona birds. In turn, he’d share his photos from North Carolina. As a technological immigrant, I was not jazzed about learning to navigate this pricey, solar bird feeder and camera, but…after all, it was for Blake.

Surprisingly enough, I buried the shepherd’s hook in the ground, downloaded the app, assembled the parts, and filled the feeder with native bird seed. I was ready! Over a month has passed. Not one bird has visited my luxury dining establishment. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps, they are camera shy. Perhaps, they don’t like my cuisine. Perhaps, they prefer to peck my nearly ripe tomatoes and devour my grass seed.

I can’t understand why the copious amounts of birds that live in my environs decided to boycott my restaurant. They’ve never hesitated before to flock to a seed block, nest under the eaves, or poop in my citrus trees. Realizing I can’t disappoint Blake, I’m searching for options. I considered posing fake birds on the feeder, but when I checked the camera photo–obvious fake news! I was seriously thinking I’d even buy parakeet and set it free after my Kodak moment. My conscience cancelled that decision; I couldn’t have a parakeet be hawk or owl bait. One of my friends sent me this suggestion:

Do you think I should try it?