Several months ago, my bestie informed her husband she was going to remodel their master bath. Her husband had just endured over 8 weeks of chaos when she had the guest bath remodeled, and he was not jazzed about another disruption to his status quo. (Men, not only are blind, but don’t deal well with change. I swear the house could be falling down, and men would say, “It looks ok to me.”)

However, her hubby issued an ultimatum: “You clean out the pantry and put it in order so we can find things. Then you can remodel the bath.”

The pantry was large and was designed for food storage, but due to its size it also became a hidey hole. Unexpected company show up? Stash away the clutter in the pantry. Don’t know where to store this or that? Stick it in the pantry. Put away the groceries and the new stuff goes at the forefront. Now, because the new bath was important to her, last week she began. Much to her surprise, she unearthed best if used by 11/17/2009 items. Stacks of unopened napkins and paper plates. Halloween candy, flower vases, and even an ice bucket she stopped searching for five years ago.

Then she uncovered a hidden treasure trove of supplements and beauty products, which promised the proverbial Fountain of Youth! My bestie not only believed, but bought into P.T. Barnum’s elixirs, creams, and capsules. However, she never tried 90% of them! One of them, Skinny Fit Super Youth . Another Super Neocell Collagen for skin, hair, nails, joints, and bones. Two trash bags later, she discovered the ultimate: Snail Jelly Mask! Made in Korea, the mask is “designed for ultimate absorption and hydration.” It includes: “5,000ppm Snail Secretion Filtrate.”

As she’s telling me this, I’m thinking snail slime? Really?

“Oh, Sue, it has no expiration date, and the movie stars use this mask. I’m going to try it.”

Hmm. Snail slime? Of course, by all means try it. The movie stars do all kinds of things you should emulate. “The movie stars do drugs, undergo numerous plastic surgeries, shoot their faces full of botox, and step on each other to win a starring role. So you’re going to smear your face with snail snot? Have at it.”

She burst into laughter! “Do you think I’m crazy?”

Crazy? More like a lunatic. “Who am I to judge? I bet I could dehydrate dog doo and convince you to smear it on your wrinkled brow, particularly if I scented it with lavender.”

Yes, Virginia, there is a fool born every minute.