Oh Package! Where Art Thou?

January 7, 2018 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Every year I send navel oranges to friends and family. Since navels are “Christmas oranges,” I usually mail them before the US Post Office gets overwhelmed with packages. And again, this year I did so on December 11. The boxes went to New York, Ohio, and to Texas. Since they were sent priority mail, I had tracking slips.

However, I usually get a text or a call from the recipient long before I get around to checking on them. I’d heard from New York and from Ohio, but not from my sister in Texas. Curious. I texted: Did you get the citrus? “No” was her reply. Now, I was involved in a mystery, for according to geography, Texas is much closer to Phoenix than NY or OH. I entered the tracking number to find the lost parcel. OMG! I was astounded! The oranges and limes must have decided to go on adventure!

They fled my sister’s Houston suburb, went to downtown Houston–perhaps to ride the Ferris wheel, and then took off to Dallas. In Dallas, they were sent back to my local post office–less than five miles from my home. According to tracking, those bad boys arrived on December 18. Christmas and New Year’s came and went. No citrus returned. Weird.

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On January 4, I received a brown envelope from the mailman. Enclosed was this box top. (Since the original was addressed correctly and neither my sister, nor I want to be deluged with fan mail, I altered the label.) Also enclosed was a letter, dated December 24 from a Dallas postal facility. It read: An empty wrapper with your address was found in the mail and is believed to have been separated from a parcel during handling (see attached portion of the wrapper.) Really? The package was allegedly in Phoenix on the 18th. How could the top of a large, flat-rate box been separated from it…unless, someone in the postal service knoshed on oranges and squeezed lime in beer?

Included was a form to file for missing items. A laborious form that mandated receipts for whatever was in the box, plus serial and model numbers, sex and size of clothing articles, etc. I tossed the form. I have better things to do than worry about errant citrus. However, the next time I send a box to my sister, it will be filled with….

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2018: Welcome to the 70’s

December 31, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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I never said, “I’ll be glad to watch this year go; hopefully, next year will be better.” Every year of my life has brought its challenges and laughter. Granted, each year has been different–sometimes 360 degrees different, but still each year has been interesting, confounding, and humorous.

As I child, I didn’t like January 1, even though we celebrated my paternal grandfather’s birthday I was bored by the endless, TV football games and dreaded I would go back to school tomorrow. For me, it was a very long stretch to spring break and summer vacation. Further, it would be months before the sun shone, the daffodils appeared, and I could rid myself of boots and a winter coat. I’d be sentenced to a classroom writing a report about George or Abraham, cutting and pasting hearts on doilies, wearing green, ad nauseam.

Admittedly, 2017 changed my life. While it has been a year of joy and accomplishment, it has been a year of introspection. Now when a major home improvement needs done, when a big-ticket appliance breaks, when I get the itch for a new car, I make each decision based on a 20-25, year warranty. Yes, 2018 will bring my 70th birthday. A most anchoring realization. I don’t want to replace an air conditioner when I’m eighty, nor dicker with car sales folk.

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Yet, 2018 will also bring my youngest’s 30th birthday and her magical, fifth year as cancer-free, so I’ll suck it up. I’ll turn 70. I’ll publish my first novel in collaboration with my brother. I’ll get another tattoo, buy a puppy, and take a riverboat cruise on the Mississippi, if I can find someone who wants to tag along. But most importantly, I’ll throw a big party in celebration of my youngest, fifth cancerversery.

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Let the ball drop, NYC. Dr. Suze is ready for 2018! Happy New Year!

XYZ: Examine Your Zipper

December 17, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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Many will recall the childhood comment: XYZ. Usually, it was made to a boy, who emerged from the lavatory after those stupid, elementary school bathroom breaks. Perhaps, you’ve experienced them, where the teacher lined up his/her class at the appointed hour and marched them down the hall. I referred to this practice as pee on demand.

Though invented in 1851, zippers weren’t used in clothing until the 1930’s. In the 1937, Battle of Fly, the zipper was declared winner over buttons. This new tailoring idea in men’s trousers promised to prevent the possibility of embarrassment.

In recent weeks XYZ has morphed into headline stories, graphic dalliances of sexual harassment, even rape, have been exposed. Certainly, rumors of the “Hollywood casting couch” have been around for years, but both men and women victims remained silent. Now, it seems to be a pervasive epidemic propagated by those in power over the powerless. Further, fueled by fear of losing a starring role, a job, or even getting a good grade in a college course.

Finally, victims found their voice. Unnamed predators are probably suffering from sleepless nights and wobbly knees. And thankfully, this week voters rejected a known creep, who advertised himself as an upright, moral man.

My advice to the powerful is simply: XYZ. None of your employees, nor teenagers shopping at the mall are interested in your sausage. And in this case, it doesn’t pay to advertise.

Twenty-six Candles: December 14th

December 10, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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Reprise: I wrote this blog two years ago, and nothing has changed. Massacres continue. Congress okays folks’ right to carry concealed weapons. As I complete my 17-year-tenure on the school board, every night I pray a Columbine, Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook, or a Las Vegas slaughter, doesn’t occur in my district.

I’m weary of the Second Amendment argument. Really? Obviously, many have no understanding of US History. A single musket, fire and re-load, as compared to a semi-assault rifle with a bump stock? No comparison. Reread a part of my blog and weep for all of the innocents lost since 2012.

“Like many of you, I’m sure you’ve almost or already completed your holiday shopping. Thanks to the convenience of online shopping in jammies, the wish list of children and grandchildren has been answered. The presents are wrapped in whimsical paper and sparkling bows for tomorrow’s mail. December 14th.

Tomorrow evil strikes! Twenty children and six, valiant school employees will never see a new bicycle, and iPad, nor the must-have, limited-quantity, hottest gift of 2012. The gift you stood in line to buy at 6:00AM on Black Friday or assembled for three hours.”

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Imagine the anguish of families who planned funerals amidst the holiday gifts they’d never see their children open. Every time I think about the horror of Sandy Hook Elementary School I gag.

As I said in my original blog, President Reagan changed his stance on gun control after his attempted assassination and the serious wounding of Jim Brady, i.e. the Brady Bill. We must advance conversation and legislation about access to assault weapons, bump stocks, and rigorous background checks, prior to gun purchase. We must address mental health care in our country.

Yes, I know. Nothing is going to change. The fire of hate is fanned by those in DC and the nut case who says Sandy Hook didn’t happen. I get it; I’ve but one vote. Yet on December 14th, I will light 26 candles. Will you?

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Happy Thanksgiving from a First Grader

November 17, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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My blog publishes early this week, as I’m off to the South for Thanksgiving. A teacher friend of mine asks her first graders each year to write a recipe for preparing turkey. This one made me roar with laughter:

Go buy a pink turkey the size of your face, about 10 pounds, from Home Depot. Put it in a pot with chunks of black pepper. Cook in the oven for twenty minutes at ten degrees. Serve with a few strawberries and lots of goldfish crackers.

Chef Micah titled his recipe Turkey Trot. Unfortunately, I’ll be out of town. Sorry to miss his culinary masterpiece.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

The Santa Claus Challenge

November 12, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

th-2 Most of us remember when one of our classmates declared that Santa wasn’t real. Some of us ay recall the famous Dear Virginia editorial response published in the New York Sun in 1897. Even though, I’m old, and even though I’m currently living through the most turbulent, hateful times I find deplorable, I still believe in Santa.

Santa Claus is a spirit, who resides within most of us. When we were children, he miraculously answered our letters on Christmas morning. In most cases. I didn’t get a pony, but a got a Schwinn bike. I didn’t receive a drum set, but I got a guitar. Surprisingly, I was never disappointed. I was happy with all my gifts–except the underwear.

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As I aged, my experience led me to a greater understanding of Santa. A mythical figure, who lived in a dreadful climate, who urged children to be good, who fulfilled wishes, for what? A plate of cookies and a glass of milk? Doubtful. Santa Claus , St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, or whatever your moniker, came to teach.

His lesson embodied the Golden Rule–do unto to others. But Santa tweaked it a tad. Do unto others with anonymity. For me, there’s no greater joy than giving without acknowledgement, nor accolade. And yes, there are a myriad of ways to get a tax deduction without revealing or bragging. Trust me, I know.

Inside of each of us is Santa Claus. In times of disasters, strangers help others; sometimes risking their own safety to render assistance. With the holiday season fast-approaching, I urge you to accept the Santa Claus challenge. Do something for someone anonymously. You’ll be surprised by the joy you receive. I double-dog dare you.

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National November Writing Month

November 5, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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Familiarly known as NaNoWriMo, is an internet opportunity in which both professional and amateur authors attempt to write a 50,000-word novel in thirty days. Now if November isn’t busy enough with Thanksgiving, holiday shopping, and decorating, thousands of folk embrace this endeavor. I have a friend, who teaches full-time, has a family, and has engaged in this foolishness for the last three years. Quite frankly, I admire her stamina because I personally couldn’t stand the pressure. After all, timed tests freak me out.

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Early in July, I decided to write a novel. Believe me, it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It has consumed me, kept me awake at night, and even driven me to speak in dialogue. Sue admonished her labradoodle, “Lexy, Sue doesn’t like when you bark.” At first, I thought I was crazy; then, I realized I was still scripting in my head.

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I’m a tad over four months into my novel, and to date have written 77,199 words. Though loosely based on my experience, I’ve spent hours researching and reading to give the book a bit of authenticity. Thankfully, my brother, who conceived the original idea has provided invaluable assistance in forensic dentistry and tweaking and twisting the plot line. We anticipate the first draft will be completed by mid-December, necessitating another three months or so of revising and editing.

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Believe me, this is not the great American novel. It won’t make the best seller’s list, nor will it be picked up by a TV producer or professional publisher. It may be read by five or ten of my family and friends. Yet, my attempt has broadened my experience; it’s pushed me out of my comfortable, lazy existence and kept me off the streets!

Whether I’ll ever work this hard again, I doubt it. But I certainly know I will not be a participant in NaNoWriMo. Dr. Suze lacks self-discipline and persistence.

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Pricks

October 22, 2017October 22, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

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Arizona is awash with pricks! Before you get your knickers in a knot, I’m not being bawdy. The reality is the desert is full of pricks. Perhaps, piercing needles are the first line of defense for smoldering summers, or perhaps, deadly burrs and barbs help flora survive. I don’t know. But Mother Nature early on forced me to employ a landscaper.

Of course, I, first, tried to control errant cacti by myself. Then an inch-long spine impaled my leg. A jumping cholla attacked my foot on my way to the mailbox in my flip flops. An agave ripped open my wrist when I tried to free a lost baby quail. I was so stupid to think I could trim a palo verde tree and survive–wrong, my arms looked like I’d been in a lion’s den.

Bougainvillea and other gorgeous flower plants also wreck havoc. When picking grapefruit, oranges, limes, and lemons, as most of the branches have razor-sharp needles. I’m glad I don’t take blood-thinner. I would need a transfusion for the amount of times I’ve been stuck.

So if you come to my house for dinner, don’t have one too many and end up with these pricks!

Skeptical Sue

October 15, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

IRS-scam

“This is the IRS. You have failed to make your payment, and federal agents have issued a warrant for your arrest. Please call this number immediately to avoid prosecution.”

“Oh really?” I shouted at the recorded voice. “Bring them on, baby.” Sadly, in Arizona, folk called the number and lost over two million dollars in the scam.

internetscam-620w The news in awash with unsuspecting people being ripped off to free their grandchild from a Mexican jail, wire money to buy a designer puppy, or help some romantic interest get home from abroad. Dating sites are filled with these predators. I’ve also received a number of emails informing me I won the Irish Sweepstakes or I’m the last known heir of a family fortune. Of course, I needed to wire “x” amount of money to claim my prize or my inheritance.

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What chaps my heinie most is scammers prey on the uneducated and the elderly. When I read an elderly woman gave her life savings to someone who promised to repay her double the amount in an hour, it sickens me. So for the most part, I research those with whom I do business. My tile guys, my roofer, my HVAC guy, my pool guy, my landscaper have all been vetted by recommendation of friends or outstanding reviews. Nor do I purchase big ticket items, like appliances or cars without perusing consumer reviews.

Yesterday when I went to the grocery store, I needed to change a Ben Franklin into two US Grants. My grocery houses an unknown bank, probably some start-up. I handed the teller my Ben Franklin, “I just need two fifties, please.” He marked my bill with an authenticating pen.

“Do you have an account with us?”

“No.”

“Would you like to set one up?”

“No. Thank you.”

“Our policy does not allow us to give change to non-customers, but I’ll make a one-time exception in your case.”

WTF? It’s not like I asked for $100 in quarters, nickels, and dimes. No wonder I never considered doing business with this sketchy bank.

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The Cicada and The Tortoise: A Curious Tale

October 1, 2017 / skidaz / Leave a comment

Admittedly, I’m a technological immigrant. Further, I’m technologically challenged. I belong in a special class with any 10-year-old teacher. Even five-year-olds today, know more than me. My daughters and the school board folk have drug me into this new arena, and I know just enough to be dangerous. While I enjoy that the world is now just one arrow key away and adore my cell phone convenience, I abhor “auto correct” and the feature of speaking rather than typing. Lord knows, I sent far too many incoherent messages and emails. A heinous crime, when the author is an English major!

On the other hand, I laugh uproariously when I receive one of these messages. This week I received the following:

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Hmm. A large cicada, which looks like a desert tortoise. I was engulfed in laughter. A family pet? Even funnier. Did they clip its wings so it wouldn’t fly off?

Really? I see no likeness in the least. Yet, I was sad I have no artistic talent. Can you imagine the joy of creating such a creature? I bet Dr. Seuss would have drawn and made millions on this hybrid character.

My neighbor and I had several hilarious conversations discussing the email. We concluded the sender must be whacked. Twas, not the case. Damnable auto correct was at fault. Behold the sulcata tortoise.

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