How to Catch Flies

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Over three years ago, I began to blog with the intent of publishing a book of the most humorous ones.  My plan began to unravel this past summer; my mood changed.  I found myself engulfed in a humorless world filled with we vs. they. Even though, I’ve experienced the darkest side of life over the past six years, I was ill-prepared for the diabolical firestorm currently overtaking America.  My humor was suppressed–buried.

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Admittedly, I didn’t get much sense until about 40 or so years ago.  I paid attention to the debacle of the Viet Nam War, Nixon freezing my $6,000 teacher’s salary for two years, and Watergate.  Certainly, I found no humor in these events, but I managed.  When the Twin Towers fell, I was outraged.  Several nights following, I was in a crowded Mexican restaurant.  th-3

The waiter had just brought our dinners, when a mariachi band appeared on the balcony above and played God Bless America.  Every patron dropped their utensils, rose and sang in unison.  Tears ran down my cheeks as I sang; yet I wasn’t overtly sad.  The American patriotic spirit didn’t die in New York City; I had hope.

When the presidential election campaigns kicked into high gear this summer, so did the we vs. they mantra.  Civility and decorum vanished.  Extremism was rampant. Suddenly, it became socially acceptable to mock the disabled, use despicable racist terms, and blame the press for inaccurate reporting.  Following the election, the we vs. they went viral.  Somewhat cogent folks jumped on this out-of-control roller coaster and without serious thought and consideration demolished long-standing laws with the stroke of a pen.  A classic example of throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water–health care, public education, environmental safeguards.  Budgets of long-standing programs, such as the Center for Disease Control, medical research, the arts, and Planned Parenthood were slashed. Further this divisiveness was stoked with “alternative facts,” late night tweeting, erroneous wiretapping claims, and a cloak of darkness on Russian ties.

True, I didn’t get much sense till about 40 years ago, but in those 40 years, I never witnessed the outward hate and derision I see now.  In the past few months, I’ve lost long-time friends–not to death–but to their down-right argumentative, combative attitudes.  Intelligent, reasonable, civil discourse is fine.  Friendly confrontation has its place, but I have no desire to debate with blatant ignorance.

The world has shrunk.  Like it or not, we are all citizens of the same planet.  We must cooperate, communicate, collaborate, and even compromise.  As my grandmother frequently reminded, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”  It’s about all of us–not some of us.

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Friday from Hell

When I worked full-time, I rejoiced on TGIF. I reveled in a weekend of fun and foolishness.  However, Friday, March 24th was deplorable.

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First, I was awakened by the sound of heaving.  (One of my dogs, an inherited Heinz, burrows herself every night under the blanket.)  I leaped from the bed, threw back the cover, only to witness her vomit a disgusting mess of grass and yellow bile on the sheet and mattress cover.  I looked at the clock–5:50 AM.  Really?

After sentencing the soiled linens to the washer, I went to make a cup of coffee.  Damn! Out of K cups!  Remembering my grandmother’s advice to never leave home without donning clean underwear, I got dressed, semi-combed my bed hair, and drove to the Golden Arch’s drive through.  “One small cup of coffee, please with cream.

“That will be $1.08 at the first window.”

As I reached in my purse to retrieve the money, I remembered my wallet was on my kitchen table.  I scoured the bottom of my purse for errant change–67 cents.  Now what?  Fortunately, I don’t store my credit cards in may wallet, so I offered the clerk a charge card.  Her face was filled with disgust as she swiped my card.  I imagined her thinking, “Dumb old broad, driving a nice car, without $1.08 in cash.  She must not own a hairbrush either.”

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Wait! It gets worse.  The mail comes with my credit card bill.  I peruse it and quickly realize my account has been compromised.  Immediately, I phoned.  “Enter your zip code, enter the last four digits of your credit card number. Press one for….Press two…. ”  What?  I need to talk to someone; no choices dealt with my issues.

Two hours after this mayhem began, I finally talked to Amber, and my compromised card was cancelled.  But March Madness didn’t end.

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My house phone rang once, then stopped.  Again and again.  Once.  Then, nothing.  The house phone screen message, “Line in use.”  I can’t deal with this; I destined in end up in the emergency room on a Friday night.  I’ll suffer a full-blown heart attack, die on the gurney, while all the drunk, car-accident victims are ushered into ICU.  My cell phone quickly connected me to the cable phone service, and Frantesa answered.

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Swiftly, my Friday from hell vanished.  When I explained my problem, she offered help.  “What’s your first name?”

“Sue.”

“Miss Sue, let me reset your modem.  Are you physically able to unplug this and that?”

What?  I’ve not lost all the cards in my deck…yet.  “Certainly.”

“This will take a few moments.  Since you said you’re older than me, do you have any words of advice for me?”

What?  I’m trying to get my phone fixed.  She persisted.  “Frantesa, you are 29-years old.  Vote.  Pay attention to local, state, and national issues.”

“We’re not allowed to discuss politics with customers.  Come on, give me some to improve my life.”

What?  Now, I’m a shrink?  “Frantesa, your goal in life is to be remembered for what you gave, not what you had.

“Wow, Miss Sue, those are powerful words.  I do give, but not enough.  I’m sorry I can’t resolve your phone problem.  A technician will be by tomorrow morning.”

NEVER in my long history had this cable company scheduled promptly.  “By the way, Miss Sue, I flagged your account.  You’ll receive a $10 credit, and I will receive an urgent message when your problem is fixed.”

The technician arrived three minutes ahead of schedule Saturday morning and within another five minutes, my phone problem vanished.  Even in light of the vitriolic hate currently spread across America, our country is brimming with wonderful people who give, regardless of what they have.  Frantesa, thank you.

 

Dr. Suze Is an Immigrant

 

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In the past two weeks, I’ve experienced what it is like to be the proverbial stranger in a foreign land.  My heart aches for the numerous children that sailed into Ellis Island over a hundred years ago and encountered a new language, culture, and social mores.  My heart aches for the numerous children who fled from poverty and Mexican drug cartels.  My heart aches for the current refugee children fleeing their homelands in search of safety and security.  Most of these children came to American public schools where they not only encountered a new language, but often the feeling of intellectual inadequacy.

I feel their pain.  First, it took me a while to learn teenage slang.  My daughters were continually using words like rad, meh, and tight, which in my mind were meaningless in context.  Then I was forced to learn text talk.  I vividly remember receiving a text from one of them–FOFL.  What does that mean?  And now there’s texting for seniors!  Just yesterday, I texted one of my high school friends and asked, “How are you?”

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His reply, “LOL.”  Hmm.  Why was he laughing out loud?  He wasn’t.  He was Living On Lipitor!  I inquired, “Where are you?”

His reply, “BFF.” Another strange answer, which meant Best Friend’s Funeral in senior speak. 

By now, I was crazy and responded, “WTF?”  I literally meant what the f@#k!

His reply, “Sue, really?  You wet the furniture?”

So as I struggle to learn a new computer and a new printer, I’ve been forced to learn another new language.  Bear with me.  Someday I may understand what an iCloud is.

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Dr. Suze Says Is Dead

It’s true.  My blog died several weeks ago with the advent of a new computer, and the switch from a pc to Mac has almost killed me off!  I’ve spent copious hours reading online manuals and watching tutorials; I swear learned nothing!  Even though I thought I could read, listen, and understand English, technological talk renders me illiterate.

It chaps my heinie that simplistic directions of “how-tos” have been so confounded for folk my age.  Can you even imagine how difficult it would be to execute a Betty Crocker recipe written in techno-talk?

  1. Open your search engine.  Enter the exact name of the recipe.
  2. Click on the button.
  3. When the recipe appears, scroll downward using the arrow key.
  4. Note the ingredients needed.  If you need help, press the help icon.
  5. To alter the portion setting, press the space bar by the number of servings needed.  If you need 12 servings, press 12 times.
  6. If you enter serving amount incorrectly, press F7 to go back.

Ad infinitum!

I was doubly foolish.  I bought a new printer.  THE printer created by some genius who delighted in making my life absolutely frustrating and miserable for two weeks.  When I finally got it to print, I tried to scan.  Of course, there were no directions, except online.  I found them and clicked on print, so I could follow them.  A message appeared: Do you want to print all 196 pages?  WTF?  Is this the great American novel?

But my nightmare didn’t stop.  The sound bar on my “smart tv” fell silent.  The more buttons I pushed, the more online advice I read, just made matters worse.  Fortunately, I was somewhat lucid enough to buy another, less sophisticated sound bar that works…as of this moment.

With that being said, please be patient.  Dr. Suze Espouses is a work in progress.  It takes a long time to teach this old dog.